Greetings ... again

A version of this story originally appeared in the Voice of the Hill, January 2005

You know, when you meet people these days, and I don’t only mean total strangers but also those near and dear to your heart (like your family, the next door neighbour’s athletic looking pool boy [sigh], or your favourite bartender at your favourite watering hole), there is an instinctual moment of panic that ensues. Just how do you know what you are supposed to do next now that you are face to face with this person? Should you shake hands? Hug? Kiss one cheek? Kiss both cheeks? Double back on the first cheek for a total of three kisses? Hug and kiss? Run in the other direction? What is the proper greeting these days? And just who is deciding anyway?

This is one of those universal dilemmas that I hear people discuss with great regularity. Meeting people has become so messy and touchy-feely that it almost makes me want to stay home for fear of insulting someone because I am either: A) too gregarious, or B) not gregarious enough with my greeting. Sometimes I just want cross the street or hide behind my menu to avoid contact because I’m not sure of the protocol of the situation. For example, how do you greet someone from your office when you surprisingly run into them at Eastern Market on the weekend? This is a particularly tough case because at work you wouldn’t dream of getting close enough to hug or kiss a colleague. Yet, this is definitely an informal encounter so is it expected you would be more familiar? A no-brainer you would think, but in reality this common situation has the potential to derail your entire career if you are not careful. I know it feels like a casual social situation because it is Saturday morning, you are puttering around the Hill wearing your favourite jeans and old runners, the dog is in tow, and you may or may not have showered or brushed your teeth. But honestly. Do you want to be known as the guy who groped the woman three cubes down? In public? In front of her daughter?

Now, I’m all for a little self expression and it can be rather flattering when someone actually wants to buss you on the cheek, but I am telling you life was a lot simpler when we followed rules and more or less kept our hands (and lips) to ourselves. For example, time was that no matter what you needed to know about meeting and greeting (among other potential social landmines) you could find it out by skimming Etiquette; the Blue Book of Social Usage by Emily Post. Oh yeah baby, it was all there in black and white. Pages and pages and pages of how to greet anyone on the planet in any situation at any time of year. OK so maybe there was a lot of memory work involved but I promise you that no where in the entire 917 pages of my volume (published in 1942 by Funk & Wagnall’s – yes of the dictionary fame) is there mention of kissing or hugging when greeting anyone. Mrs. Post would have fainted dead away at the suggestion of such intimacy. The basic rules, I surmise, were that when gentlemen met they always shook hands. When a lady met a gentleman it was her option to offer her hand or not. There was no lip locking, no slobbering on someone’s cheek any number of times, certainly no bear hugs, and positively no “Hey babe. What up?” Mrs. Post recommended a simple “How do you do?”

Well, I’m thinking that this kind of formality and crystal clear clarity might be a good thing. I get so darned confused – no make that intimidated -- by all of this loosey goosey kissing thing that I’m almost paralyzed, and I like kissing! I guess it is more that I really don’t know who expects what, how often, and how close. Does anyone know anymore?

DC folks have become pretty amorous in their greetings as I am sure you have noticed. We’ve all seen it: women kissing men, women kissing women, men kissing men, weirdoes kissing pets, everyone kissing babies and small children. Jeez. It’s one big rambunctious group hug out there. No wonder there are so many baby strollers in Lincoln Park these days!

Seriously though, it really is a dilemma. I have a very good Persian friend who is a two cheek kisser. I am a one cheek kisser. Both of us are huggers too. On more than one occasion when we are together and have come upon a mutual acquaintance, we have set in motion a cosmic collision of huggy/kissy affection versus head-spinning mayhem. Witness: she approaches our mutual friend and greets them warmly with a hug and a kiss on both cheeks. A standard has been set for this encounter. But I am only a one cheek kisser so when I plant my one and only, the recipient more often than not has already turned their head in expectation of a second buss that doesn’t materialize. Yikes! Noses are bonked, lipstick is smeared, and invariably someone begins to blush and feel awkward. Imaging this scene if a French three cheek kisser entered the picture. We’re talking major chaos here. Sure, it’s all fun until someone loses an eye.

And just when does all of this hugging business cross the line to groping? Is the hug you give your grandma the same as the hug you give someone for whom you have lust in your heart (understanding that lust isn’t necessarily always a bad thing even if you are Jimmy Carter)? Is your partner justified in reading you the riot act when you’ve never been one for any kind of public show of affection and suddenly you become a two cheek kisser and close hugger when introduced to the Perfect Ten who just moved in next door? Talk about the potential for the mother of all relationship dramas.

So what is the answer? Or in a city as cosmopolitan and eclectic as DC can there be a solution? I think that we should take a cue from our friends to the far north and throw a little Eskimo kissing into the mix, just for shits and giggles. You know, the rubbing of noses thing. If you think we have confusion now, just wait until that catches on. Too bad we didn’t start this sooner cuz we sure had loads of time to practice Eskimo kisses last winter during the ongoing Snowpocalypse.